June 30th, 2025
When we hear the word enabling, most people imagine someone handing cash to a relative with a drug addiction or covering for a friend’s drinking habit at work. The term often lives in the shadows of extreme situations such as addiction, criminal behavior, or public collapse.
But the truth is, enabling happens quietly, subtly, and often under the guise of love, loyalty, or family obligation. And it doesn’t always look like chaos. Sometimes, it looks like peacekeeping. Sometimes, it looks like silence. Sometimes, it looks like self-betrayal.
Enabling is more common than we think. It shows up in family dynamics, romantic relationships, workplaces, and even friendships. It thrives in codependent relationships and dysfunctional systems, many of which are considered “normal” in our culture. And because it’s often tied to love, it’s one of the hardest patterns to recognize and release.
What Is Enabling?
At its core, enabling is any behavior that shields another person from the natural consequences of their actions.
Enabling is the act of stepping in to fix, smooth over, or carry the emotional, logistical, or relational weight for someone who should be feeling the full effects of their choices. While it may feel like helping, enabling is ultimately a form of control. We do it to reduce our own discomfort: to avoid conflict, guilt, confrontation, or the pain of watching someone struggle.
It sounds harsh, but most enablers are acting from a place of love. We don’t want to see someone we care about hurt. We want to protect them. But in doing so, we rob them of growth—and ourselves of peace.
The Everyday Faces of Enabling
You don’t have to be hiding liquor bottles or bailing someone out of jail to be an enabler. You might be doing it in ways that are not only socially acceptable, but often praised:
- Apologizing on behalf of a family member who never apologizes themselves.
- Making excuses for someone’s hurtful behavior (“They had it rough,” “They’re just stressed,” “That’s just how they are”).
- Absorbing the emotional fallout when someone else refuses to regulate themselves.
- Walking on eggshells to avoid another person’s anger, withdrawal, or mood swings.
- Playing therapist to someone who never seeks professional help.
- Silencing your own feelings to keep the peace.
- Repeating the same advice or emotional labor for someone who never changes.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula describes enabling as “a form of co-regulation that becomes toxic when one person always sacrifices themselves to keep the other person from discomfort” (Durvasula, 2019). Over time, enabling leads to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and a breakdown in authenticity.
Why We Enable
To understand enabling, we have to look at where it comes from.
Many of us grew up in situations where love felt conditional: where conflict meant danger, and boundaries were punished or ignored. If you were taught that love means putting others first, or that being “good” meant being quiet, helpful, and selfless, enabling may feel like second nature.
Psychologically, enabling often stems from:
- Fear of abandonment: “If I stop doing this, they’ll leave me.”
- Fear of conflict: “It’s not worth the fight.”
- Low self-worth: “Their needs matter more than mine.”
- Trauma responses: Especially fawning (a lesser-known trauma response where you appease or placate to stay safe).
- A sense of responsibility: “If I don’t help them, no one will.”
Brené Brown writes, “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending” (Brown, 2012). Enabling is often rooted in the unexamined stories we tell ourselves about what love, loyalty, and obligation look like.
Enabling vs. Supporting
Support empowers. Enabling disables.
Support says:
“I love you, and I’ll walk with you—but I won’t carry you.”
Enabling says:
“I love you, so I’ll carry you—even if it breaks me.”
The difference lies in boundaries and accountability. Healthy support encourages growth, autonomy, and resilience. Enabling stunts it.
Where Boundaries Come In
Boundaries are the antidote to enabling.
They are not punishments. They are not ultimatums. They are tools for clarity, connection, and self-respect.
Boundaries say:
- “This is what I need to stay in this relationship without losing myself.”
- “This is what I will and will not accept.”
- “This is how I love you and also love myself.”
They might sound like:
- “I won’t lie for you.”
- “I’m happy to talk, but not if I’m being yelled at.”
- “I’m not responsible for managing your emotions.”
- “I love you, and I’m not okay with being treated this way.”
Setting boundaries often feels uncomfortable—especially if you’ve spent years confusing being liked with being safe. But boundaries are safety. Not only for you, but for the relationship itself.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of Boundaries, notes: “You get what you tolerate. If you don’t set boundaries, people won’t know when they’re hurting you—or how to stop” (Cloud & Townsend, 1992).
The High Cost of Enabling
The longer we enable, the more we lose:
- Our energy: Constantly fixing things drains us.
- Our identity: We forget what we want, need, or feel.
- Our self-respect: We violate our own boundaries to preserve someone else’s comfort.
- Our relationships: Ironically, the very thing we fear—disconnection—often happens anyway, because the relationship is built on imbalance.
And worst of all, nothing changes. Enabling delays growth, not just for them—but for us.
Enabling isn’t just something “other people” do. It’s something many of us carry quietly. Sometimes, we inherit it. Sometimes, we learn it to survive. But either way, it’s a pattern that can be unlearned—with awareness, courage, and boundaries.
You can love someone and still say no.
You can care deeply without carrying what isn’t yours.
You can break cycles with clarity—not cruelty.
Boundaries are not the end of a relationship.
They are often the beginning of a real one.