April 22nd, 2025
Living with a chronic illness means navigating a world that often doesn’t see the pain you carry. Unlike a cold or flu, chronic conditions don’t go away with rest or medicine—they linger, sometimes for a lifetime, reshaping daily routines, relationships, and even your sense of self. In this post, I want to shed light on the invisible weight many carry and explore what it really means to live with a body that doesn’t always cooperate.
- The Diagnosis That Changed Everything
At twenty years old, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office, the words sinking into my skin but not fully landing. I was young, full of ambition, and just beginning my life. What I didn’t know then was that fibromyalgia was only the beginning. Over time, the puzzle pieces started falling into place, and more names were added: POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.
Each diagnosis came with a mixture of relief and grief—relief that I wasn’t crazy, and grief that chronic illness was going to be my life.
- “But You Don’t Look Sick”
That phrase follows me like a shadow. Chronic illness often comes without visible wounds. It lives quietly beneath the surface. Some days, I’m able to push through and smile. Other days, I can barely get out of bed. But no matter the pain level, the world expects me to look “normal.”
The stares I get when I use my handicap placard are loud—even when no one says a word. I see the way people do a double take when I step out of the car. I’ve heard the whispers. And it hurts, because what they don’t see is everything it took just to get there.
They didn’t see me sitting on a shower stool that morning, struggling to wash my hair without passing out. They didn’t see my fingers swell or my knees buckle. They didn’t see the tears in the mirror when I realized I’d have to cancel plans—again.
- Behind the Scenes: Working While in Pain
I’ve worked hard to build a career as a model and actress. I love what I do. But my reality behind the scenes doesn’t always match the polished photos or the smiling character on screen. There have been times when I’ve shown up to set with joints taped under my outfit or with nausea bubbling beneath my smile. Times when I’ve had to shoot in heels for hours while silently willing myself not to faint from a POTS episode.
Pain doesn’t take breaks for work. It doesn’t care if the lighting is perfect or if you have one more scene to shoot. And pretending to be fine when you’re anything but? That’s a different kind of performance entirely.
- The Insomnia No One Talks About
Pain doesn’t just affect the body during the day—it haunts the night too. Insomnia has become an unwanted companion. Some nights, it’s the physical discomfort that keeps me up—joints aching, nerves tingling, heart racing. Other nights, it’s the anxiety. The mental to-do list, the fear of what tomorrow’s flare might bring, the exhaustion of pretending.
Lying awake in the dark, watching the hours pass, feeling your body scream for rest while your mind won’t stop spinning—that kind of tired seeps into your soul. And when morning comes, the world expects you to rise and shine like nothing happened.
- The Fear of Being “Too Much”
One of the hardest things to carry isn’t the physical pain—it’s the fear.
The fear of never being loved fully because people don’t know how to handle this.
The fear that I’ll be “too much” for someone. That they’ll leave when things get hard, when I cancel another date, when I need help standing up. That they’ll see my illness as a burden rather than a part of me.
Dating with chronic illness is complex. It requires a vulnerability that can feel terrifying. How do you explain that you’re not always able to keep up? That some days you’ll need help with things others don’t even think about? That your life is full of unpredictability and pain?
I don’t want to be pitied. I want to be understood. But in a world that often values convenience and perfection, it’s hard not to feel invisible. Or worse—unlovable.
To Those Who Are Also Hiding Their Pain
If you’re reading this and you relate: I see you.
Whether you’re holding back tears at your desk, counting spoons just to get through the day, or smiling for the camera when your body is falling apart—I see your strength.
You are not alone.
You are not faking it.
You are not too much.
You are worthy of love, rest, and compassion.
Even when you “look fine.”
Let’s change the way the world sees chronic illness.
Let’s create space for the invisible battles.
Let’s honor the pain we carry and the resilience that blooms in the quiet.
Thank you for being here.